11/15/01
Ghost Town
Once there was a master plan
but we all fell down
and in the cobwebbed smog
of something gone wrong
lost our caper to a ghost town.

Traveling In Fake Mouse-Grey Shoes
I’ll walk the shoes
and talk the phone...
There is enough beauty to sustain
even the biggest of liars.

Sit down in the corner even if it’s cold there.
Just think about it mister.

Beg The Sidewalk To Rise
I’ve just been to the infinity candy store
and came home empty handed.
Man, it used to cost pennies
to eat an entire summer day on into the night.
Course there’s always next spring
and then too there’s the pre-holiday season
where you can still find hope for a shiny red globe of a lovely life.
I’ve had creamsicle saturdays in May even.

If Yesterday Were Really Dead, It’d Be Buried By Now
Tonight the better fiend of a friend is lost
and tomorrow is a skating ghost
in yellow and palm tree pajamas.

say the last thing on your mind
let the talk of aliens replace your ears
and laugh in this starched face of a diamond arm wrestle.
tackle the head cheese
to find your basement art.
get that falling start.
and begin again.

There’s no way to beat
the boy of tomorrow
into certain infinity
and where have all the twirling frogs
from all those walks
down all those streets go?
I swear I’ve been walking forever.

What is the one question?
The one that when answered will answer all other questions? :


Loud Hands
blander my slather
I am at it again.
Maybe you should all sing
all the time
loudly.

Time has told a different tale
every time.


More Than One Use
Someone has to be able to take a piece of tattery yellow towel
from a 15 year ago family
from the side of the garbage bin
and do something with it...
maybe make a doll
or mop up the water
that the cats spill...


Sauterene
I’ll be in the green
and suddenly
you’ll see
the green in me
and I’ll be
your favorite green.

you just fought off ten million meanies
now’s the time to rest.

11/20/01
Does the dead ever stand aside and let us pass?
Where is the straight and narrow?
How did one so lost become the blue sky sun?

Utica
There was a time when I thought I had everything. I had an entire family of bright shiny running around. I used to pour beer on strangers feet while tripping. Back then the only way we could win a pool game was to say JINX at the final hour, and somehow, in our supreme naivety, it worked. Every time.

Just wake the moon
tell all the stars that I have gone off to bed
As for the morning
well, I’ll be there too.

For once, something sounded good.

Grinding Teeth Is For Sleepers
Getting glow worm nightmares
and glued to alarm clock beds.
Jugglers, skinny ex-junky cashiers named Larry, and centipedes
all wait for the next day.
I get up to see them.

And then there’s Jorge.

They think you can only be yourself with them.
Why do they think that?

Thanksgiving
I am ever thankful for the music that crosses my ears,
for the fact that I can go outside right now
and yell “HEY!!!” at the top of my lungs,
and for the fact that I probably won’t.

I am thankful for the people I get to know well,
for the people that I’ll never know well,
and who treat me as if I already do,
and for the people i have yet to meet.

I am grateful for my uniqueness
and the freedom to express it,
for the bare feeling of rawness I get
when I skid on an icy road.

Hey? Keep me from pissing everyone off.
Take away my inability to know myself,
hold me to my words like water holds sand together,
and please, remind me.

And thanks.


Grabbing a hairful of kindergarten days
while swinging in a dry grass tuesday
and running around wondering,
what the hell IS this!?

Down With A Cellar Full Of Junkies
Forget this ticklish bone.
I have gone into the hallway
and there is no more dirty light.
The only way to break a funny bone
is by fake laughing...

Have a juicy evening lay down
holding pillows filled with voodoo
and graveyard fogs.
Yes, and enjoy your jukebox drive.
Have fun with bottles and smoke,
hold your head in the milky brown puddle
and tell me where you live.
I’ll take you home, baby.

When you are in the feathered drown turn
of dreadful headful YET,
pull off to your left
and then take a little nap,
wake to dance a crazy dance
and then get in the back.

There may not be a driver
but there is a road.

Nothing Feels Like Sleeping
Hitting me upside the head
yelling YEP! in the middle of the night
and waking up exhausted for a day...
What is UP with that?

11/25/01
Hitting on now and then
Hard like rain in September
Kicking over the street corners
and finding a lucky charm underneath
Everything begins to shine.

Asking me to think about the bottom of the ocean
and wondering why I don’t wear orange like you.

ask

(That last word there (ask) was actually me playing the keys like a piano for a second, trying to think of what to write next and when I looked that word was there, so I went and asked the words what they wanted and they laughed at me.)



12/24/01
It Ain’t a Holiday If It’s A Holiday Day
I’ve been killing the heart of yesterday all day
is there anyone to tell me to capture Mars?
Gone is the bright star of a few summers past
and gone are the forever friends
that used to break my tears into head shaking laughs...
gone is the feeling of tomorrow
and the hope for one last miracle.
It’s not even Christmas yet.

I’ve had sweet tangerine Sundays before
laying in bed til one
when every move is like a new morning
some crazy dream you can’t get out of...



The Fresh Hell
What is the fresh hell that keeps you going?
It’s you,
silly.

And who will be alone tomorrow
and who should be alone tomorrow
and who wants to be alone?

Forgetting drags into yellow buckets of your ears
take this yawn and swear by the light of five in the morning,
where you are most at odds with the day,
that there will never be the milk dance of going going gone
again.

I’ll take that
what the hell
I’ll take that right straight to the end of the last day of my sorry life.

Unwrapping Paper
I thought I’d see you somewhere
amongst all the shit
a little christmas miracle
made for me
by the hands of a god i don’t see
the heart of a thousand silver strings
weaved into my greatest cloud of a dream
ready waiting.
Still sleeping?
Hope is a beautiful angry cat with very sharp nails.

What is destiny in the face of a choice?



I’m grassing through your clocky kitchen rules
sidewalkin backwards to see the eggless look
on your seamy backwards face...

The Eggshell Hardness of Grocery Store Meanies
I was driving in for a few beers
and maybe some fake crab meat
and oh yeah, I probably needed toilet paper...
some shoe faced girl in dirty hair and sweats
is about to bruise her unlucky baby boy
for being excited
and the lady behind me
is complaining bitterly about the store
as she waits to buy 3 liters of cola
a canister of iced tea
and lets not forget about the oreos
I’d complain too.
Everyone seems to have more of a life than me
but I cringe at their scars and itchy anger
I try not to think.

Getting Just Enough To Smile Once In Awhile
There’s some quiet liquid indian in there
and somewhere there’s a happy devil...
stream of white paper plates.
I am talking however tonight of forever.
so many fruitful gaps
some much time to burn out...
Some people know how to hold their hands
to your veins for just so long
until you can’t stand it anymore
and you throw them away.
It’s like there is no rice pattern of reason
no maggot way to travel playing car games
giddy on the way to someplace...
Me, I’m into the movies
I like living through other people
I don’t need all that shit.A Fresh Hell
Buried On My Lips In The Casket

11/15/01

Once there is a master
we all fall down.

Now, when is the caper a mystery?

Traveling In Fake Mouse-Grey Shoes
I’ll walk the shoes
and talk the phone...
There is enough beauty to sustain
even the biggest of liars.

Sit down in the corner even if it’s cold there.
Just think about it mister.

Beg The Sidewalk To Rise
I’ve been to the infinity candy store
and come home empty handed.
It used to cost pennies
to eat an entire summer day on into the night.
Where’d THAT go?
Oh I get it
here and there and yeah, I guess it’s quantity over quality
whoops I mean the other way around...
but then the things that suck
seem to suck so much more
the more you suck.

course there has always been the following spring.
and then there’s always the pre-holiday season
where you can still find hope for a shiny red globe of a lovely life.
I’ve had creamsicle saturdays in May even.

If Yesterday Were Really Dead, It’d Be Buried By Now
Tonight the better fiend of a friend is lost
and tomorrow is a skating ghost
in yellow and palm tree pajamas.

say the last thing on your mind
let the talk of aliens replace your ears
and laugh in this starched face of a diamond arm wrestle.
tackle the head cheese
to find your basement art.
get that falling start.
and begin again.

There’s no way to beat the boy of tomorrow into certain infinity and where have all the twirling frogs from all those walks down all those streets go? I swear I’ve been walking forever, don’t you feel like that?

What is the one question?
The one that when answered will answer all other questions? :

Questions
Where are we going, where are we all going?
What can love do?
Why does life exist?
Why is there evil?
IS there evil?

Loud Hands
blander my slather
I am at it again.
Maybe you should all sing
all the time
loudly.

Time has told a different tale
every time.

why do i pretend that i can get out of this?

More Than One Use
Someone has to be able to take a piece of tattery yellow towel
from a 15 year ago family
from the side of the garbage bin
and do something with it...
maybe make a doll
or mop up the water
that the cats spill...
there’s got to be something else that can be done with it.

Sauterene
I’ll be in the green
and suddenly
you’ll see
the green in me
and I’ll be
your favorite green.

you just fought off ten million meanies
now’s the time to rest.

11/20/01
Does the dead ever stand aside and let us pass?
Where is the straight and narrow?
How did one so lost become the blue sky sun?

Utica
There was a time when I thought I had everything. I had an entire family of bright shiny running around. I used to pour beer on strangers feet while tripping. Back then the only way we could win a pool game was to say JINX at the final hour, and somehow, in our supreme naivety, it worked. Every time.

Just wake the moon
tell all the stars that I have gone off to bed
As for the morning
well, I’ll be there too.

For once, something sounded good.

Grinding Teeth Is For Sleepers
Getting glow worm nightmares
and glued to alarm clock beds.
Jugglers, skinny ex-junky cashiers named Larry, and centipedes
all wait for the next day.
I get up to see them.

And then there’s Jorge.

They think you can only be yourself with them.
Why do they think that?

Thanksgiving
I am ever thankful for the music that crosses my ears,
for the fact that I can go outside right now
and yell “HEY!!!” at the top of my lungs,
and for the fact that I probably won’t.

I am thankful for the people I get to know well,
for the people that I’ll never know well,
and who treat me as if I already do,
and for the people i have yet to meet.

I am grateful for my uniqueness
and the freedom to express it,
for the bare feeling of rawness I get
when I skid on an icy road.

Hey? Keep me from pissing everyone off.
Take away my inability to know myself,
hold me to my words like water holds sand together,
and please, remind me.

And thanks.


Grabbing a hairful of kindergarten days
while swinging in a dry grass tuesday
and running around wondering,
what the hell IS this!?

Down With A Cellar Full Of Junkies
Forget this ticklish bone.
I have gone into the hallway
and there is no more dirty light.
The only way to break a funny bone
is by fake laughing...

Have a juicy evening lay down
holding pillows filled with voodoo
and graveyard fogs.
Yes, and enjoy your jukebox drive.
Have fun with bottles and smoke,
hold your head in the milky brown puddle
and tell me where you live.
I’ll take you home, baby.

When you are in the feathered drown turn
of dreadful headful YET,
pull off to your left
and then take a little nap,
wake to dance a crazy dance
and then get in the back.

There may not be a driver
but there is a road.

Nothing Feels Like Sleeping
Hitting me upside the head
yelling YEP! in the middle of the night
and waking up exhausted for a day...
What is UP with that?

11/25/01
Hitting on now and then
Hard like rain in September
Kicking over the street corners
and finding a lucky charm underneath
Everything begins to shine.

Asking me to think about the bottom of the ocean
and wondering why I don’t wear orange like you.

ask

(That last word there (ask) was actually me playing the keys like a piano for a second, trying to think of what to write next and when I looked that word was there, so I went and asked the words what they wanted and they laughed at me.)



12/24/01
It Ain’t a Holiday If It’s A Holiday Day
I’ve been killing the heart of yesterday all day
is there anyone to tell me to capture Mars?
Gone is the bright star of a few summers past
and gone are the forever friends
that used to break my tears into head shaking laughs...
gone is the feeling of tomorrow
and the hope for one last miracle.
It’s not even Christmas yet.

I’ve had sweet tangerine Sundays before
laying in bed til one
when every move is like a new morning
some crazy dream you can’t get out of...



The Fresh Hell
What is the fresh hell that keeps you going?
It’s you,
silly.

And who will be alone tomorrow
and who should be alone tomorrow
and who wants to be alone?

Forgetting drags into yellow buckets of your ears
take this yawn and swear by the light of five in the morning,
where you are most at odds with the day,
that there will never be the milk dance of going going gone
again.

I’ll take that
what the hell
I’ll take that right straight to the end of the last day of my sorry life.

Unwrapping Paper
I thought I’d see you somewhere
amongst all the shit
a little christmas miracle
made for me
by the hands of a god i don’t see
the heart of a thousand silver strings
weaved into my greatest cloud of a dream
ready waiting.
Still sleeping?
Hope is a beautiful angry cat with very sharp nails.

What is destiny in the face of a choice?



I’m grassing through your clocky kitchen rules
sidewalkin backwards to see the eggless look
on your seamy backwards face...

The Eggshell Hardness of Grocery Store Meanies
I was driving in for a few beers
and maybe some fake crab meat
and oh yeah, I probably needed toilet paper...
some shoe faced girl in dirty hair and sweats
is about to bruise her unlucky baby boy
for being excited
and the lady behind me
is complaining bitterly about the store
as she waits to buy 3 liters of cola
a canister of iced tea
and lets not forget about the oreos
I’d complain too.
Everyone seems to have more of a life than me
but I cringe at their scars and itchy anger
I try not to think.

Getting Just Enough To Smile Once In Awhile
There’s some quiet liquid indian in there
and somewhere there’s a happy devil...
stream of white paper plates.
I am talking however tonight of forever.
so many fruitful gaps
some much time to burn out...
Some people know how to hold their hands
to your veins for just so long
until you can’t stand it anymore
and you throw them away.
It’s like there is no rice pattern of reason
no maggot way to travel playing car games
giddy on the way to someplace...
Me, I’m into the movies
I like living through other people
I don’t need all that shit.

iye there’s the lemon tickle of a rock
just grapple with it’s supple bubble glow
and tonight
youre gonna wake up at 4 in the morning
444 to be exact
and then you’ll hit yourself
like we all do
and it’ll hurt
and then you think of other people
and breathe right again
and thank your sorry ass
for your sorry lot.

12.31.01
New York New Year

Smiling water muddy in the hallway
As mountains grow into friendly squeaky toys
and tomorrow is a fan-filled night away

Smallish throw rugs wander here and there
egg-like hope smashing closed cupboards
holding these kitchen doors tightly closed

Tight
I am hearing what used to be my jazz
and walking to a stranger barn winter
with all my clothes on
and there’s your car again, wtf?

Over the carnival path
to sweet corn party festival
and onward to the bitch black
dipping darkly...

Shellfish are last to innocence
and the ocean a mean season
with claws of christmas lights
and the raw bite of new holiday love.

1/25/02
grinning like a giraffed neck-tie
traffiking towards the bitter brown sugar last night memories
of a bedridden whiskey veteran...
yeah, we’re so bad
that some people seem to think we are good.
And vice versa.
But that’s just them.
Some people get it right.
Hit them with music.

Going from the dandy to the ocean.
Cold. Clear. Empty.

Holing up in the hollow cloud of winter
and ignoring jesterly the yes and no’s
the maybe you should, maybe you shouldnt’s...

the hello of this mirror
is blind to any hand waves,
to the giant black curtain
that clothes any greeting’s doubt.

Having thought
about having thoughts
about fighting off thoughts
about having fights,
is like thinking about having a fight.

Rather you should fight off
having to think
about a fight you think you have to have.

parallel vices end in crystal spirals
while dragon squared shacks
with their christmas tree lit windows
hollow out pagan ritualistic dancing
with finger shaking No’s

(and Jeremiah used to be a bullfrog)

bringing hotly the sky-filled night
breaking like a sweat on january’s thigh
like honing in on the moon
for once.

Just to take this outside to the fever push of growing pain

and make a castle out of garbage.

Junk.

Bewildering the forgotten past
forgetting to pass the wilderness.

Rendezvous of a cast of nobodys
dirt dancing idiot grins
of arm flailing june evenings

2/6/2002
I wonder why midwinter is mad at me now
fist to my chin
and broke the sidewalks stride
some back alley smirks
forget last summer
fall’s in the trash
and here’s cold revenge.

you are the early mack truck
at the back road linoleum diner
and you act as though you know someone
down the road
but there’s no one waiting for you
because you’ve pissed them all off
by blasting your horn too loud
so you make your last piece of toast last
because it’s cold outside
and the cook nodded at you
through the little window
when you came in
Yer good to go

there was this old guy who had half his mouth removed
due to cancer
and he could barely talk
but you made almost every word out
as fast as you could
and the ones you couldn’t
you pretended you did
and he said thankyou
4 times before he left.
sometimes you take care of yourself this way.

the biggest part of any day is taking out the garbage
and standing out there with a little boy,
playing in the snow,
lost in whatever world
you just want to tell him about everything
but you can’t because he barely says hello.

Grubs like to be inside dirt
the sun seems to like watching us
but it could all be an act
and morning sometimes bites ...
glasses break when we wash them
it’s as if they just don’t want to be
anymore

and someone just fell
on the pavement
in love
out of a window

I’ve got a lot of mad fruit
you’ve got a little nose
she’s got a bag full of bullshit
and we’ve got a whole lot of capital T.

Your driving sound ears
and boogie night special evening drinks
my hat, my hands, my heart
your good intentions
my paralysis
you spinning tales of dreams
me jumping to remember mine
nothing and everything collide
and I am lost again
what’s new...

down down into this griffin of what yesterdays haven
i cry to conjure the wooden floored snake tangle
i know I’ve gone so far

2/22/02
all of a sudden i am 101
my hands have crawled out of sick amber green
and the toes are still purple

Knowing hat trick mondays
taking out the heavy garbage
we don’t need to carry THAt around
lounging out til the last brittle minute
twitching to sleep from 3 til 7
just getting into it right before you have to wake up.

iced twiggy fingers
are falling and grabbing eachother
I need hot jello for fingers...

Questions

where do the yellowed papers of hard candy laughs go?

is there ever a place and time for standing on the edges of furniture?

have you ever spent a day saying yes to everything?

do you know anything about puppets?

is color as sure of itself as smell is?

what is dry skin for?

did i chose this and why?

does bliss ever get old?

would we be here if it didn’t?

is one setting oneself up by living within a lake-bay-amusement park peninsula?

no shit.

grab your dirt floor birthday cake dreamcicyle bike ride to the tomorrow of jimmy-topped days
everyday should be topped....

four dark days biting my foot

guarantees to drag tire tracks
to the forefront of calendar midnights in fall,...
any thursday night

.arrows drown this forgettful sfrick

You can live for a long time
or you can be yourself.

Or if you are really good
you can be both.

giving hatty songs of baby bonnets the time of our lives.
one day I will understand
green walls with red floors and everything
war

3/1/02
For once, something gave way
and every happy necked giraffe letter
noted high ceilings
and ate the highest holiday desserts

when your heart beats harder for no reason
and you realize that you’ve fucked it up for good
and now you’ll probably die young for real
shortly after realizing your dreams
do you get pissed?

There is a circle of dried coffee
around the “X” on this keyboard
and I sense it’s meaning
because it really does mark the spot
and youre asking to quit smoking but I can’t while i’m drinking
so youre asking to quit drinking but i can’t when i’m alone
and I can’t when i’m on the phone
and you know i’m on this path now
i’ve watched tony and john do it
and maybe that’s why...
you get a choice but is it really a choice
or just a glimpse into the way it’s going to be for you too?

I feel truly fucked for the first time ever
and only in the morning do i really give a shit
and when i think what it’s going to do
what it did to me
this barbed chain of events
where will it end
does it mean pain for everyone from this day on?
from that day forward?

I think about being alive and then i think that i could be dead too in a minute and so i look at my hands and i think about walking to the sink and washing my hands and whatever else i do when i’m alive...talking to people, music, the pain in my back, I can’t breathe anymore...is it my turn? i can handle it but i don’t want anyone else to have to. how do some people live for 90 years??? i don’t get this but it’s relative because who is living? money is not living.

I can’t imagine myself with anyone else ever again. can you? how crazy would that be? how crazy would it be not to try again if i get the chance? i have given myself instant karma for turning off the love light to my friends and now it’s turned off for me..i suppose i deserve it, right? force me to realize the error of my fucked up ways. you pay then you pay again. get down on your hands and kness and paypaypay... what’s in store in my new seabreeze life? constant reminder of John? another no man’s land waste field of hiding away from life loving soldiers who take orders from a general who has no orders...they should let me stay a little longer, i can still make a difference. kiss my eyes, hold my arms down, take me to lunch and talk on your phone...love ya still and always. forgetting to forget and i’ll forget it again tonight when i wake up at 5 in the morning and realize i’ve gone too far so just take me out if thats the best way. you watch me through the moon in the window but it hasn’t been full for days now so you don’t see everything, not every little thing. you can’t see my eyes.

3/2/02
haggling colors to make kitchen peace
yellow green wins again...

The Ides Of March/2002

To have a head full of color
and be denied canvas

You wait for the end of the night
and wait
and wait
and
wait.

My hands are a battle
in themselves
always striped
with recent scars...
cold long spindles ,
like icycles ready to pierce
would rather strike
rather than be struck.

Hop singing to the blue green nightlife
cool around offwhite edges

dining on hot summer
tuesdays
just til tomorrow and
if you need the real time then
you can just go find it
cuz all thats here
is the forget me not past.

3/16/02
I've been thinking about the evolution of spiritual thought...how the majority belief system has changed and how now we're in a monotheolistic society, where all major religions are based on the one god idea...greeks and romans believed in many gods....I don't believe in a SEPARATE god, yet you never hear this even being discussed, ANYWHERE! When I explain that I believe god is inside everything, not a separate entity holding puppet strings, alot of people agree with me...this is the wave of the next religious paradigm shift...and it puts all the responsibility in the little guys hands, that's why the people in control don't like it because they wouldnt be able to use their scare tactics anymore, it wouldnt work!

In The Deep End
My thoughts on death are that it's like you're swimming underwater, maybe from one side of the pool to the other and you finally reach the other end and you think your lungs are going to burst but instead you burst out of the water and take great gulps of air. Then you get out of the pool, sun yourself for awhile, grab a beer, hang out, gab with the other sunbathers, watch the people playing in the pool and think, I know it's cold, but they look like they are having so much fun...and just like that, you get up and dive right back in...

This too shall fade away.

Carrying green balloon umbrellas
past the good widow with her hankys
it’s like going under a ladder
bad luck.
Certain things switch your path
and you may have already chosen it
but once you pass

you know it’s set.

But things have a way of straightening themselves out
doesnt mean everything is going to be alright
but you get just enough to hang on
whether you’re making it up
or not.

Might as well stay
you’ll be gone before you know it anyhow.

I took this bus ride and there was this guy who talked non stop to anyone and everyone. No one else was talking, so everyone, whether they were pretending or not, were listening to the jibberish talking guy. He was talking about how the streets were so uneven because there was never any time to fix them. The cars just kept coming.

3/19/02
Slowly reaching fast forward.

for the carpet that will be thrown out tomorrow
for every scrape and bruise
for the dance in every summer shirt beer song

there is a place where one will never walk on you again
and the scars will heal
and
the song always ends.

been down in the basement again
walking down side bars
tripping all over your day
forgetting about mine
grabbing a full evening into night tonight
loud music, dancing, cigarettes beer...
alone again in the basement.

Happy just left by the back door
and see ya later left long ago,
Don’t bother finally got up off her ass and drove home to bed
while taking it in stride is offering you a beer.

I like take it in stride.

Gathering bow ties made of sugar twigs
and taking them downtown to the “cool” store
right next door to some dirty diner where i’d much rather be
hanging on a foot to get the door open to snotty looks
of what do we have here?!
I could open the box
but instead I carry it around the store with me
and look at all the stuff they are selling
that someone else made
and then I leave and go to the diner
and have a grilled cheese and tomato sandwich
which is probably what I had for breakfast
but what the hey
I’m on a roll.

4/11/02
So you learn to pay attention when things happen for a reason
and hopefully you learn to be a certain way
better for it
and at the end of the day
when you can’t hold it together another more
you go to bed.
Which is what i should do
but you know me
one last one is always one more
but not forever.
So what do I care
If the dogs outside stop barking in unison
with the last seagull of the night?
And all my chances at another love
are wasted?
Who is to say
that I was less happy than you?

4/18/02
Ah, she lives again to write a little more
I looked up and the moon was centered right in the middle of the opening between the mostly closed curtains, another miracle. Ever since I’ve asked for help, i’ve been having these little THINGS happening. They’re not saying everything... I’m not saying anything.

I don’t know if it‘s getting better or worse ...

She was riding her bike when the phone rang
it was Andy talking about cruelty
to beagles and ferrets
and he’s getting a bunch of people together
to do something about it
and they need a graphic artist to make signs for the protest
it’s the first thing they need
they already have a lawyer who’s going to film the whole thing.
he thought maybe they’d just protest outside of the television station
instead of going an hour and a half to the site of this animal experiment farm
all they really want is exposure
and the camera crews will much more likely show up outside of their own building.
I thought it was an interesting idea.
apparently the lawyer did too.
He doesn’t know what he’s getting into.
Andy, I mean.

4/19/02
I just watched the most bizarre movie/documentary, "Grey Gardens", it's
about these aliens that come to earth and plant their seed in this open
field. After awhile these grub like bugs start growing and wiggling and
these ufo's hover over them and suck them up with a blue light. Then they
dress them up like little grey poodles and parade them down this movie aisle
while people were trying to watch Men In Black...the popcorn was flyin'
baby!

Alright, belated April's Fools...The title is correct but it was about
Jackie Kennedy's aunt and first cousin who lived in what once was a mansion
but that they let fall to pieces around them. The whole movie is just
filming them and they are OUT there man, eccentric with a capital E. It's like what Marty and I would have turned out to be like if we'd
continued to live together.
Just in time for cotton tea and the cheapest cookies I could find. Filled with cocanut, but they arent cocamnut flavored. I can just tell they are filled with cocanut and it’s very bad for you. But they are addictive. Notice how all the bad things have addiction buried in them? It’s so they will survive, cause how else would they?

I have a very wide variety of likes.
My music lists are schizophrenic.
This means I appeal to a wide variety of people.
All it takes is one song.

4/28/02
Cruel To Be Kind
I saw a pigeon on the expressway the other day, it had just gotten hit and was flopping around, very close to the road, ready to be ran over anytime soon, but when, I wondered? How long did it have to suffer after the initial shock of a terrible blow? In a way I wished that I had seen it early enough to swerve to finish it off, but instead I drove past quick pang in my stomach as I noted the similarity between him and me. Am I flopping around ready to be finished off? What kind brave soul will go out of his way to do me in? Is that what I’ve been?

That was a week ago and today I rode by the same spot and there he was finally, dead.

Counting the seconds that arms hold arms
from behind and you were just about to leave

thinking that maybe it’s all a circus peanut with ants on it
like maybe there’s some plastic covered castle with poison inside
you eat it and take it back to the other ants
so eventually
you all die of the same thing.

what’s better
the peanut
or the castle?

secret life before me
beg me to call the police
tell them where we’ll be
heal my hands
touch my back

giving way to the just around the corner
like picking rusted metal off the parking lot floor
right outside your car door
and some little kid just said hi.

you can’t find the courage if you think about it
you have to step off the plank
just walk keep walking
don’t say just anything
because you never know what it will mean to someone
and they’ll take you out like that
just like that
you have to think sometimes
about what you say

where does the next happy hour begin?
am I home yet?
is there more?
why can’t i breathe?
is this all my fault?
did I do all of this?
am i helping at all?
when will i stop?
when does it start again?
is this a all a big mistake?
is there such a thing as big mistakes?
why did you send that person to me?
why was i sent to him?
what’s next?
can i really control this?
why do i feel so good?
why does it feel so sad?
when will i see you again?
why can’t i just relax?
is it ever going to get warm again?
what can i do?
what should i do?
what the fuck should i do?
is this the right path?
are all paths right?
does anything matter?
should i just give in again and love?
will i hurt someone again?
will he die because of it?
will i die because of it?
i am confused, can you help me?
are you trying to help me?
will i ever forgive myself?
will you stop making this more and more complicated ?

you can change anything.

for every tell-tale grassy knolled sunday couch dream
barely touching your head to the hot sidewalk
of childhood’s better half
a blue jay swim
a ding dong ditch it
kiss me in the middle of the street at 3 in the morning
it’s still hot outside

gathering all my stuff and putting it pile behind a wall
in the basement
they’re all empty boxes

i can remember riding by fields with ruins of houses
foundations of yesterday talking to today
in Spain
and I was a little girl then, married
and I wanted to stop and get out
of the car
and lift my knees high til I got there
and feel what it must have been like
what it’s really like in my life
but we drove by and i took pictures and he made fun of me
and i just really wanted to walk over there
and see.

DON’T let them fool you
into believing that it’s quantity
over quality.
It’s not.
You can deprive yourself enough to stay alive til the appointed 70-80 range
squeeze your ass tight enough and you might live til youre 94!
but open your hands til they turn red
til anyone that walks by can see how red they are
and stops to ask why?...why are they red?
and then takes them into their own to warm.
“when I bring home the sun,
the rosy fingered dawn,
don’t cry.”

-Royal Fingerbowl
(playing as I wrote that)

nutty life
go back home
crazy signs
read my palm

12:30 AM
stay up all night long alone
smoking and drinking and writing
stuff that no one ever sees
foolish????

bag faces like picking apples
driving the opposite way
you have to give in
you have to give up
dry tears
cry hard
lay on the floor
dance with the lights on and the curtains open
recognize the end
and marry it
under a full sun someday.

he sat waiting for his banana
everyday the nurse brought him a banana
and he used to ride the trolly to the amusement park
and he used to kiss girls and dance
she brought him bananas
and he waited everyday
he was quite the catch back in the good old days
he used to hate bananas.

if you take me out
take care of the people I love
and hold my hands to their lips
and let me come back in little ways
to let them know
i’m still around

lucky tomorrow
has it all
and in ways
we can’t imagine
wouldn’t you like to be tomorrow?

I’d hate to be yesterday
blamed for everything
scorned for what it never was.
tomorrow is everything
tomorrow is a new favorite song.

I can turn around and see the dark room behind me
but i can’t see your past
and i don’t know what to do about your face
(or your hands for that matter)
but i will take grace
and she will take us
and eventually everything will be
and that’s all we can ask for really
because because because
it’s going to be raining outside tomorrow.

5/5/02
I can look behind your face and see last summer
You refuse to take me home and then you leave me in the rain with no shoes on
what the fuck did i ever do to you?
I know what i did.
i never realize how you’ll pay the price for the bastard walks of selfish stupidity
it’s like i almost know which is the road and which is the ditch
but not enough to hate one and love the other
enough to lose my blanket for my suitcase
Hardly hardly matters now
it’s like i just got here no it’s not
it’s like i’ve been sleeping here forever
but when you wake up you should feel the sun on your face
or hear a snowstorm raging outside, white grey freezing wind silence
you should be able to stretch into station wagons with slippers of sweet dreams